Which group is better? Strict parents or lenient parents? When it comes to parenting styles, everyone (including people who don’t even have children) has an opinion.

It should come as no surprise that many parents are not sure if they should be strict, lenient, or somewhere in-between.

While some strict parents see their children succeed academically, others have tumultuous relationships with their children.

What Does Being a Strict Parent mean?

There is no straightforward definition of what a strict parent is. However, experts agree (within the field of psychology) that there are four distinct parenting types: Authoritarian, Authoritative, Passive and Indifferent.

Authoritarian parenting is certainly a strict style, as it does not allow for any flexibility. The parent is the ultimate, and unquestioned, decision maker. Authoritative parenting may also have some strict ideas, such as boundary setting and consequences, but it allows for more flexibility and emotional compassion.

For the purposes of this article, strict parenting is synonymous with an Authoritarian style.

Overview of Authoritarian Parenting

Authoritarian parenting allows for the least flexibility on behalf of the child. In other words, these parents have incredibly high expectations, unquestioned authority, and harsh consequences for failure to abide by their rules.

There is no discussion of why strict parents make the rules. Children are simply expected to do as their parents tell them to do. It is a very “my way or the highway” perspective.

Growing up with strict parents could be stressful and very demanding for a child.

How to deal with strict parents? Follow the rules and work hard.

These parents hold the viewpoint that success comes from hard work. Therefore, if a child is not succeeding, it is because they are not working hard enough.

They may limit outside activities that their children enjoy, as they can see them as a distraction. They are demanding but not responsive, particularly when it comes to the child’s feelings.

Pros of Strict Parenting

• Children do need structure and limits, therefore there is a necessity for rules that keep children safe. Setting firm boundaries are also need for proper social development. With authoritarian parents, the rules are straightforward, so there is no room for misinterpretation.
• Parents that set high standards for their children may influence the child to set high goals for themselves. For example, a child is naturally talented at playing a musical instrument. A strict parent will constantly push this child to practice and master more and more difficult pieces. Eventually, this may nurture the child’s own drive to become better and set their own high goals.
• Most authoritarian parents make academic success a priority. Accordingly, many children with these strict parents will achieve higher academic success.
• Experts theorize that authoritarian styles of parenting may function better within different cultures. Many Eastern cultures accept and expect very strict parenting. Rigid parenting may (potentially) work better in these cultures since both the parents and the children understand and accept this dynamic. It is also possible that parents and children still maintain a close relationship and emotional bond, as the expressions of love are different.

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Cons of Strict Parenting

• Children are ruled by fear. They may behave at home but will act differently once their parents are not around.
• If a parent severely controls a child by fear, they recognize that the person with the power is the one that gets to make all the rules. This can lead the child to become a bully as they seek their own source of power.
• Children in very strict household tend to be less socially adept and may find it difficult to interact with their peers.
• It can be difficult for children of strict parents to learn self-discipline as they rely too heavily on being told what the rules are and having harsh punishments if they don’t follow them.
• Children can internalize a need to “follow the rules at any cost”. This can set them up for a dangerous situation where they can be manipulated by an authority figure.
• Kids can become angry and aggressive or depressed and anxious as a result of extreme limits on their lives.
• It is not uncommon for children to eventually start tuning out or resenting their strict parents. As a result, these kids may initially become more rebellious or cut their parents out of their lives completely.
• Children that are constantly pushed to succeed may become incredibly stressed out. The fear of failing or making a mistake can be debilitating and impact their mental health long-term. Even if they achieve success, there will always be something else that needs to be accomplished after that. They will have a constant need to win, which is unrealistic in the long run.
• Authoritarian parents may control all of their children’s’ personal preferences, including which exact sports they play, which particular musical instrument they are to learn and what clothing style is permissible. This can stifle a child’s self-expression which will limit their creativity and ability to cope with their feelings.
• Kids with authoritarian parents embody the saying “all work and no play”. Younger children, in particular, NEED unstructured playtime. It helps them learn how to interact with the world around them. Play encourages creativity and imagination, along with helping develop physical and cognitive skills. Without the ability to have free time to explore, children can eventually have a harder time solving problems for themselves in the “real world”.

Being Strict Parents as an Alternative

As with most things when it comes to parenting, there is a spectrum of intensity. Some of the aspects of strict parenting are good but, when taken to the extreme, can be harmful to their children.

As mentioned previously, authoritative parenting uses aspects of authoritarian parenting but allows for flexibility and provides emotional responsiveness.

Children do need limits, both for safety purposes and to learn societal norms, but going to the extreme seems to have more negative effects than positive.

Authoritative parents enforce rules when necessary but they allow their children to learn how to self-regulate. These parents still have high expectations for their children but they are able to provide support when a child fails at something or makes a mistake. This helps build a strong parent-child relationship and boosts the child’s self-esteem.

Taking all of this into account, the question still remains: Is it better to be strict with your children or lenient? The answer appears to be both. When parents strike the right balance between structure and support, their children have the best outcomes.